Nanny in Vancouver, part 14

Lotte.

When I put my mouth around your name I can almost taste you.

The moment I saw you tumbling down that dune, literally falling at my feet, I fell in love with you.

But.

I knew you where never in my league.

Healthy girl like you should not mix with dirt like me.

I was your first.

It should not have been so.

I'm sorry. No I'm not.
Be happy.

Eddie

"Lotte, I'm off to the library. I'll do the groceries. Need something?"

"Bring some apples."

"Alright. Bye"

"Bye."

I put the fumbled note back between the pages of the book. Appropriate. The book is Jane Eyre.

Chad had given the note to me. Weeks after he found me on that bench in that park somewhere in the outskirts of Seattle. He had driven me home. First to his house to patch me up a bit and then to the house of the Van Breukelen family.

I picked up my life as a nanny. To busy to really think of what happened. Chad and I were sort of dating. And even though we kissed a lot, I didn't really feel like going any further.

I just couldn't. I was Eddie's. So what if he had a girlfriend. I belonged to him.

It was in a weekend, at my free evening and Chad and I had gone out together. We had been to the Off the Ramp again, seen some bands, drank a few - when he noticed I was very quiet.

"You're thinking of the surfer again, aren't you?" Chad had asked.

I shook my head, but I couldn't hide the tear that rolled down my cheek.

Chad just looked at my face and then scraped his throat, reached for the glove box and got out the note. It was handwritten with a black marker. Big, clear block letters.

I read it. Felt an emptiness in my stomach. I looked at Chad sideways.

"I don't understand." I said.

"Ed gave it to me. A day after you freaked out on that bench."

"Why?"

"Can you remember you were supposed to come to my house that day? "

I nodded.

"I was surprised when you didn't show up. First I called the Van Breukelen house to ask if you were still at home, but they said you had left. So I just waited for you. But then the surfer called. I don't know how he got my number. Small town I guess. And he said you ran away in a state and if I would come looking for you. He was worried, you know."

"He was?"

"Yeah. So we went looking. And then we found you. All crumbled up on that bench."

"Was Eddie with you?"

"Actually he found you."

"I still don't understand."

Chad sighed. "He knew where you were, but he wanted me to find you."
I was confused.

"Why?"

"Read it again." He pointed at the note I held in my hand.

So basically Eddie broke up with me.

I have to laugh. A bitter laugh.

He gave me to Chad. I am a thing apparently.
He gives me back my freedom although it wasn't his to give.

I take my car keys and walk out the door.

There is a strong wind today at the beach of Ambleside Park. It is still early in the year and the sea is really freezing cold. I'm glad my wetsuit protects me.

Darcy the Rasta girl had learned me some basics, but since I came to live here in Vancouver I have taken real lessons. And now I am a surfer. It is good surfing in Vancouver. Mostly Vancouver Island, but in the city too.
Chad used to come with me, but he has been rather occupied with his study. So lately I go alone.

I didn't really get any waves, it was pretty much a close out, so I paddle back to the shore.

I notice another car with a rack standing next to mine. Apparently I am not the only surfer here today.

When I get to my car I put the board on the rack and get my towel to dry myself. While I try to get of my wetsuit I can feel there is someone approaching. I get a hollow feeling in my chest and the hairs in my neck stand out.

I turn to look who is coming and it is as if I get punched in my stomach, I see the young man walking in my direction, with a board under his arm -his long hair wet and like me wearing a wetsuit- I know it is Eddie, making me feel breathless suddenly.

And I know he has recognized me too.
He walks like a cougar. His eyes fixed on my face. His familiar frown.

"Lotte." He says when he gets close.

"Eddie." I nod.

He is quiet for a while. Looks at my face, then at the wetsuit I tried to peel myself out off.

"I didn't know you surfed."

"Only recent."

"Not really surfing weather, is it?"

"Nah, just to get wet."

"Yeah, did get a few, though."

"I'm sure you did. Why are you here, Eddie?"

"A gig."

"That's good." I try to smile.

He strokes his hair back.

"And you, Lotte, why are you here?" He says with his deep voice, sounding tired.

"I live in Vancouver now. I got the opportunity to go to Emily Carr, University of Visual Arts."

"Impressive." He stretches his arm and softly brushes my cheek with his fingers.

But when I close my eyes he suddenly pulls back as if he burned himself.

"Better get these suits off. Put some warm clothes on." He shivers.

He walks to the back of his car and by the sound of it he is changing.
Quickly I do the same. Ditch the wetsuit and I put on a pair of jeans, a tee and a warm sweater.

Then he reappears. Holding a thermos bottle.

"Hot coffee?"

"Yes, please."

"Your car or mine?"

I get into mine and he walks around and get into the passengers seat of my car.

He opens the thermos and pours the tick brown liquid into the cup. Hands it to me.

Deja vu when our fingers touch. But this time I don't pull back.

His ocean blue eyes seem endlessly deep when I stare into them. It is as if time stops.

My lips are slightly ajar and when his gaze shifts from my eyes to my mouth I can not help but bite my lip. I can see his pupils get big, almost turning his eyes to black, and as if in slow motion he leans in.

But then he seems to wake and it is like he shakes himself back into reality.

He clears his throat and asks:

"How's Chad?"

I take a sip of the coffee.

"He's writing his thesis."

I give the cup back to him.
Again our fingers touch. It is as if they aren't acting on our behalf.

"Are you and Chad a couple now?"

I feel an anger rising into me. How dare he ask about Chad and me.

I shake my head. Look at him furiously.

"What's that to you?"

He rubs his brow with the palm of his hand while pulling a pained face.

"I'm sorry, Lotte, I have no idea how to be around you."

Slowly the anger dies in me again. In stead I feel a lump in my throat making swallowing difficult.

"Eddie?" I softly whisper his name.

He looks up.

"Eddie, why did you give me to Chad?"