Nanny in Vancouver, part 15

Eddie stares at me, but I don't know if he sees me, his face is all emotions - but sadness seems to be the most visible one.

Then he blinks and his look is now directly at me, so intense. My heart beats fast and it is as if I am burning up inside.

"I..." He is silent.

"You...just look at you!" He continues.

"Eddie? I don't understand. Any of this. What did you mean in that note; I'm sorry -be happy?"

"I want you to be happy..." He shakes his head. "Lotte, I'm not good for you."

"I don't understand."

"Uhhh...." He sighs and strokes his hair back again. He doesn't know but that gesture gives me a tinkle in my belly every time.

"Lotte, when you came rolling of that dune...I...you where, you are...uh...classy, sexy, healthy...and then...after...you shaved your head, painted it purple!

Tenderly he strokes my hair. The side I shaved away is growing back, in my real colour.

His gaze is soft. But then he retracts his hand and hits the dashboard with his fist.

"Lotte, fuck it! I'm not good for you! I'm dirt! And I will defile you!"

I feel an anger bubbling up inside of me again.

I sit on the edge of my seat and gesticulating I almost scream at him:

"I AM NOT GOOD FOR YOU? YOU CAN'T JUST FUCK ME AND THEN SAY YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

Fuck you, Eddie! How dare you decide for me what is good and what isn't?"

"Can't I?" He almost whispers.

And a change comes over him. His face seems to change and I can't read it. I have no clue until he pushes me back into my seat and his mouth lands on mine. He crushes my lips, forcing his tongue into my mouth. Our teeth clash. He makes a groaning sound.

He grabs my sweater and with his clenched fist he pulls it up, uncovering my belly. He is rough and uncontrolled.

With his other hand he pushes my knees apart and strokes the inside of my thigh. Higher up, he feverishly kneads and teases my under belly. Provoking involuntary little movements from my hips. His mouth leaves mine and while he sucks and nips my neck, he repeats the whispered words again.

"Can't I?...Can't I just fuck you?"

"No."

I push his hand away, open the door, and almost fall out of the car.

Panting I lean against the back of the car. He upsets me. I can't think clearly.

I walk back to the beach. Take of my sneakers and feel the sand between my toes. The sound of the waves breaking makes me calmer. I sit down. Wrap my arms around my knees and watch the gulls roaming the wet sand and the shallow water.

I know he is sitting some distance behind me.

Time passes.

I breathe in deep and get up.

When I pass him I touch his shoulder, take his hand and tempt him to come with me.

I walk - almost solemnly, with my head down, holding his hand - to my car. I open the door. Get in the back seat and pull him with me.

We stare each other in the eyes. Nothing is said as I take of my sweater and pull down my pants. And he takes his shirt off and opens his pants. The small space makes our movements awkward.

But this isn't the truth.

In stead I walk pass him. And I don't hold out my hand. We don't undress in my car and have passionate sex. And we certainly don't declare our love for each other. And I don't tell him he is good enough for me. Even though I want to. I don't.
No. I pass him and, almost in audible, I can hear him say;

"Please don't go."

But I go.

I walk to my car and drive home.

When I get home Chad is already cooking. It smells wonderful.

"Oh fuck, Lotte," Ivy says, "I forgot the apples. Don't shoot me."

I throw my wet towel at her. "That sucks! You ate my last."

"Girls, girls." Chad laughs. "Don't fight in the kitchen."

"Sorry, mom. " I pinch him in his buttock.

"Did you get a few, Lotte?" Chad asks.

"Yeah, well, not really."

"You look so flushed." He looks at me with brows drawn together in thoughtful consideration.

"It was cold." I peck him on the cheek.

"Listen, I'm going to take a shower and change. How much time have I got till diner? I'll lay the table."

After dinner Chad, Ivy and I get ready to go to see a couple of bands play.

I'm wearing a dress with a flower pattern, real girly, tights, my converse boots and I put up my hair in a classical roll. I'm a bit nervous now I know that Eddie is in town.

When I get back into the kitchen, Chad is already waiting. He looks at me, gets up from his chair and pulls me towards him.

He kisses me on my forehead and says: "My girl looks incredibly delicious tonight. Makes me wonder."

He pulls up my chin and raises his brows.

"Do you know things I don't?"

"You tell me, Chad." I smile.

"How do I look?" Ivy comes into the room. Twirls around to show of her cute checked skirt, the white Ziggy Stardust tee and combat boots.

"Wow! You're all punked up!" I admire.

Chad walks up to her and hugs her real tight.

"Man, I have to be watchful tonight. Nobody is gonna touch my sexy girls."

"Hey, "Ivy objects, " That's entirely up to us, bro."

And now we are there. I feel tricked somehow, because the bands that are going to play are all from Seattle. Not a surprise really, because most of the bands that play here are from there, but still, it makes me even more nervous.

Ivy insists on standing upfront, so we are there real early, and Chad - a bit embarrassed - leads us protectively through the bunch of people that are already there, but offers to get us some beers.

The lights die and some weird minimalistic music starts to play. Then quiet. And the band starts to play. The lights, sparse, show the silhouettes of the members. Guitars, drum.

And then a spotlight on the singer.

"I need to go." I try to make myself audible into Ivy's ear.

"What! No!"

When I want to walk away, she just grabs me, giggling. So I stay. I don't want to leave anyway. He draws me like a moth to a flame.

The band is better than last time. Even better. I like them a lot. And he, he is captivatingly energetic in his performance. Aggressive at time, and also tender and shy.

And I, I just gape.

Of course he sees me at one point. It has to be so. He stares. Then he snarls and gives me the finger. Ivy starts screaming and jumping and yelling. Pokes me and gives me thumbs up.
"He is so hot!" She screams.

And after one rather aggressive song he tags the chorus of 'Got brass in pocket' from the Pretenders, with some small alterations.

He gets right in front of us and sings, as he kneels down, staring at me.

Gonna use my lips

Gonna use my mouth

Gonna make you high

Gonna make you cry

Gonna use my fingers

Gonna use my, my, my imagination

'Cause I gonna make you see

There's nobody else here

No one like me

I'm special, so special

I gotta have some of your attention

Give it to me

'Cause I gonna make you see

There's nobody else here

No one like me

I'm special, so special

I gotta have some of your attention

Give it to me

And when he sings it goes right through me. I almost shiver when his hand almost spastically moves from his face, over his chest to his crotch where it lingers for a while to go back to his head and to grab his own hair.

I can't take anymore and I shake off Ivy's arm and run away, pushing through the crowd. I have to get outside.

What the fuck does he want from me!