Nanny in Vancouver, part 14

Lotte.

When I put my mouth around your name I can almost taste you.

The moment I saw you tumbling down that dune, literally falling at my feet, I fell in love with you.

But.

I knew you where never in my league.

Healthy girl like you should not mix with dirt like me.

I was your first.

It should not have been so.

I'm sorry. No I'm not.
Be happy.

Eddie

"Lotte, I'm off to the library. I'll do the groceries. Need something?"

"Bring some apples."

"Alright. Bye"

"Bye."

I put the fumbled note back between the pages of the book. Appropriate. The book is Jane Eyre.

Chad had given the note to me. Weeks after he found me on that bench in that park somewhere in the outskirts of Seattle. He had driven me home. First to his house to patch me up a bit and then to the house of the Van Breukelen family.

I picked up my life as a nanny. To busy to really think of what happened. Chad and I were sort of dating. And even though we kissed a lot, I didn't really feel like going any further.

I just couldn't. I was Eddie's. So what if he had a girlfriend. I belonged to him.

It was in a weekend, at my free evening and Chad and I had gone out together. We had been to the Off the Ramp again, seen some bands, drank a few - when he noticed I was very quiet.

"You're thinking of the surfer again, aren't you?" Chad had asked.

I shook my head, but I couldn't hide the tear that rolled down my cheek.

Chad just looked at my face and then scraped his throat, reached for the glove box and got out the note. It was handwritten with a black marker. Big, clear block letters.

I read it. Felt an emptiness in my stomach. I looked at Chad sideways.

"I don't understand." I said.

"Ed gave it to me. A day after you freaked out on that bench."

"Why?"

"Can you remember you were supposed to come to my house that day? "

I nodded.

"I was surprised when you didn't show up. First I called the Van Breukelen house to ask if you were still at home, but they said you had left. So I just waited for you. But then the surfer called. I don't know how he got my number. Small town I guess. And he said you ran away in a state and if I would come looking for you. He was worried, you know."

"He was?"

"Yeah. So we went looking. And then we found you. All crumbled up on that bench."

"Was Eddie with you?"

"Actually he found you."

"I still don't understand."

Chad sighed. "He knew where you were, but he wanted me to find you."
I was confused.

"Why?"

"Read it again." He pointed at the note I held in my hand.

So basically Eddie broke up with me.

I have to laugh. A bitter laugh.

He gave me to Chad. I am a thing apparently.
He gives me back my freedom although it wasn't his to give.

I take my car keys and walk out the door.

There is a strong wind today at the beach of Ambleside Park. It is still early in the year and the sea is really freezing cold. I'm glad my wetsuit protects me.

Darcy the Rasta girl had learned me some basics, but since I came to live here in Vancouver I have taken real lessons. And now I am a surfer. It is good surfing in Vancouver. Mostly Vancouver Island, but in the city too.
Chad used to come with me, but he has been rather occupied with his study. So lately I go alone.

I didn't really get any waves, it was pretty much a close out, so I paddle back to the shore.

I notice another car with a rack standing next to mine. Apparently I am not the only surfer here today.

When I get to my car I put the board on the rack and get my towel to dry myself. While I try to get of my wetsuit I can feel there is someone approaching. I get a hollow feeling in my chest and the hairs in my neck stand out.

I turn to look who is coming and it is as if I get punched in my stomach, I see the young man walking in my direction, with a board under his arm -his long hair wet and like me wearing a wetsuit- I know it is Eddie, making me feel breathless suddenly.

And I know he has recognized me too.
He walks like a cougar. His eyes fixed on my face. His familiar frown.

"Lotte." He says when he gets close.

"Eddie." I nod.

He is quiet for a while. Looks at my face, then at the wetsuit I tried to peel myself out off.

"I didn't know you surfed."

"Only recent."

"Not really surfing weather, is it?"

"Nah, just to get wet."

"Yeah, did get a few, though."

"I'm sure you did. Why are you here, Eddie?"

"A gig."

"That's good." I try to smile.

He strokes his hair back.

"And you, Lotte, why are you here?" He says with his deep voice, sounding tired.

"I live in Vancouver now. I got the opportunity to go to Emily Carr, University of Visual Arts."

"Impressive." He stretches his arm and softly brushes my cheek with his fingers.

But when I close my eyes he suddenly pulls back as if he burned himself.

"Better get these suits off. Put some warm clothes on." He shivers.

He walks to the back of his car and by the sound of it he is changing.
Quickly I do the same. Ditch the wetsuit and I put on a pair of jeans, a tee and a warm sweater.

Then he reappears. Holding a thermos bottle.

"Hot coffee?"

"Yes, please."

"Your car or mine?"

I get into mine and he walks around and get into the passengers seat of my car.

He opens the thermos and pours the tick brown liquid into the cup. Hands it to me.

Deja vu when our fingers touch. But this time I don't pull back.

His ocean blue eyes seem endlessly deep when I stare into them. It is as if time stops.

My lips are slightly ajar and when his gaze shifts from my eyes to my mouth I can not help but bite my lip. I can see his pupils get big, almost turning his eyes to black, and as if in slow motion he leans in.

But then he seems to wake and it is like he shakes himself back into reality.

He clears his throat and asks:

"How's Chad?"

I take a sip of the coffee.

"He's writing his thesis."

I give the cup back to him.
Again our fingers touch. It is as if they aren't acting on our behalf.

"Are you and Chad a couple now?"

I feel an anger rising into me. How dare he ask about Chad and me.

I shake my head. Look at him furiously.

"What's that to you?"

He rubs his brow with the palm of his hand while pulling a pained face.

"I'm sorry, Lotte, I have no idea how to be around you."

Slowly the anger dies in me again. In stead I feel a lump in my throat making swallowing difficult.

"Eddie?" I softly whisper his name.

He looks up.

"Eddie, why did you give me to Chad?"

Nanny in Seattle, part 13

I lie in Eddie's bed and stare at the ceiling. My finger draws little circles on the skin of his back. Eddie lies partly on top of me. His left arm and leg make me almost immobile. He is asleep. His impossibly long lashes rest on his cheek. He looks flushed. When I trace my fingers over his chin I feel the stubbles of his beard. His looks are those of a male elf. I know he must be much older then me, but I feel protective.

He is a cheat and a bastard.

But I don't care.

I am a cheat too.

I am now.

I wouldn't have been if he weren't a cheat. I would have been his girl.

I am his girl.

I gave him my body.

And I gave it again.

And I will give it again if he wants me.

I know he wants me.

But he has a girlfriend.

The Australian girl has said so. With an unpleasant smile. She said;

"Eddie went to Seattle. Together with his girlfriend."

"Eddie." I shake my upper body.

"Hmmmfff?"

"We should talk."

He opens his eyes. His eyes, blue as the ocean on a sunny day.

"Lotte." Everytime he says my name I feel a butterfly summersaulting in my tummy.

"We came here to talk. Remember?"

He has a dirty little smile on his face. Leans on his elbows on both sides of my head.

He softly nips my bottom lip with his teeth. I feel his dick stirring. Again.

He is my first.

I'm not sure if this stamina is normal, but I kind of like it. Being wanted.

"Yeah uh...talk." He mumbles. Rolls of me, cupping his penis.

He breathes in deep.

"You called me an asshole, like uh twice? What's up with that? Uhhh...I know I should have told you I was going to Seattle...I wanted to...but... I didn't get the chance...or opportunity."

"You acted so weird when I left after...after we fucked. And you didn't try to find me." I say.

"Yes, no! I did try!" He rolls on his side, pulls me to him. The only one who knew who you were was Diego. And he wouldn't say a thing." Laughs. "Your boss gave him the sack, you know."

He looks serious again. "I tried to find you. Honest."

"And there was the other thing." I say accusingly.

"Aaaah." Eddie rolls back on his back again. Wipes his hair back from his face.

"The other thing..." He sighs.

"Your girlfriend..."

"My girlfriend. Who told you I have a girlfriend? Was it Diego?" Eddie sits up. His legs bent under him, staring down at me.

"So it's true then."

He raises his shoulders. An empty look on his face.

"So that's why you call me an asshole?"

"Well, duh," I say, "giving away my virginity isn't something I do every day. I can only do that once, actually."
Eddie stares at me with this frown he has.

"So you just give it away to any random guy that comes along?" Eddie exclaims.

"Not fair!" I jump of the bed.

"Oh, I forgot! I saved your life. So uh it was an act of thankfulness? And what about this Chad guy? Did he save your life too? I should have known, hot chick like you..."

"You are an asshole." I scream.

I grab some clothes lying around and pull them on and run out of the apartment.

"Lotte." Eddie yells after me. But I just run.

After a while I slow down. It has stopped raining, but I have no idea where I am.

I just walk. The people I pass look at me strangely. It must be my hair and the way I am dressed. Also maybe because I feel tears running down my face.

Why did we fight?

I can't really tell.

Why did I go with him?

Why did I let him fuck me again?

And again?

Why didn't he just tell the truth about his girlfriend?

He didn't say anything about his girlfriend.

Instead he kind of implies I am a slut.
I give away my body to any random guy.

Sleeping around.

I guess I am a slut. The kids at school were right. A slut.

Hey Lotte, nice tits you have. Hahaha. Lotte, when will you be Playboy's new spread? Slutty Lotty. Hahaha. Lotte spreads her legs for a Bacardi Coke. Their voices echo in the back of my mind.

I wander through a more quiet neighbourhood. Some offices, empty buildings, a small park with a half pipe. A bench. I curl up on the bench. It must be late in the afternoon. A blackbird is singing and the sun is almost down. The clothes I randomly picked up are all Eddie's. I put my nose in the sleeves of the jacket and start crying again.

Two cars stops and I hear a door open. Someone walks up to me.

Puts his arms around me and picks me up. He carries me to the car and puts me on the back seat. Pulls a blanket over me.

He gets in the driver seats.

Calls out of the window. "Thanks, man."
"Just take care of her."I hear softly from the other car.
"I will."

And then he drives away.
I try to sit up. I look at the back of the drivers head. Long black curly hair.

It is Chad.

Quickly I turn around, just in time to see the red car in the rear window. Driving the other way.
Eddie's car.

Nanny in Seattle, part 12

It is starting to rain again. Will I ever get used to the rain? I guess not, since I was born in a country where rain is a constant, and it still bothers me. I didn't bring a coat, so I run.

A car pulls up along side of me. A red car. The driver opens the window.

"Do you want a ride?"

"Fuck off, Eddie."

"Come on. You'll get wet."

"Leave me alone."

"Lotte," he pleads, "don't be like that."

I stand still. Turn at him furiously.

"Be like what? You, you asshole!"

He opens the passengers door.

"Please. We need to talk."

I start walking again.

"No! You are a lunatic. You tried to kill me the other day."

It is starting to rain harder. A violent down-pour. I'm really getting soaking wet if I don't find shelter.

"Get in."

"Forget it."

A thunder clap. I am afraid of the thunder.

"Please."

I get in the car.

He looks at me, at my wet body.

"Drive." I say with my teeth clasped. I pull the fabric of my tee a bit. It clings to my body and I don't want him to get the wrong idea.

"Where do you want to go?"

I was going to Chad's house. But I don't want to tell Eddie.

I shrug. "You wanted to talk. Just drive."

He is silent for a while. I look at him sideways. His profile is just beautiful. He is wearing a cap, his hair stashed away under it. How does he get all that hair under that hat, I muse. Irritated with myself I start biting my nails. Don't look at him. He is a bastard.

Think of Chad.

Chad.

Kissing Chad.

Chad's mouth on mine.

Chad's hands on me.

Chad.

Like a jamming device another image takes over.

"...fuck it...I'm coming...."

Oh god. This isn't going to work. I'm all flushed. I can't help it. Eddie's moaning keeps on echoing in my mind.

"....so tight..."

I look at Eddie again, who is still silent.

"Eddie."

"Lotte," he says at the same time.

He drives to his apartment. We need to talk. I need to talk. Get him out of my system somehow.

He says he is sharing his apartment with another member of the band. Not with his girlfriend? I wonder where she lives.

It is a nice apartment. Just as messy as his other, but a bit bigger. Lot's of instruments too. A keyboard in a corner, guitars and amplifiers. And the plant. Eddie's plant. I smile.

He notices. He smiles back.

"Couldn't leave it."

An enormous thunder clap makes me jump.

Eddie shakes of his cap and walks up to me, pulls me against his chest. He comforts me by stroking my back. Massaging my neck with one hand, holding me against his body with his other hand on the small of my back.

We stand like this a couple of minutes, breathing in the same rhythm. But then I hear the voice of the Aussie girl in my head and I am getting tense. I shake of his hands and take a step back.

"You wanted to talk." I say.

He walks to a closet and gets out a towel.

"You should dry yourself before you get cold. Here." He hands me the towel.

"You can get some dry clothes from me if you like."

"You keep on gives me clothes."

"Yeah."

"I didn't keep your flannel shirt."

"Why not? You uh...it looked great on you."

"I ripped it apart."

"What is your problem?"

"You are an asshole."

"Yes, you said that." He turns away from me and picks up a guitar. "Well, I probably am then."

He plays a bit. Looks at me from the corner of his eyes, sees me shivering. Then nods towards a door. "You should take a warm shower. Before you catch a cold."

I walk through a corridor and find the bathroom with a shower. The light isn't working so I have to keep the door ajar. I sing so if his room mate comes home he will know I am in there. The water is very pleasant and soon I get warm again.

There is a bottle of shampoo, it smells like Eddie. I pour some in the palm of my head and start soaping my hair...my whole body with it.
I hum.

Can you hear me, that when it rains and shines

(When it rains and shines)

It's just a state of mind?

(When it rains and shines)

Can you hear me, can you hear me?

I know he is looking at me. I can feel him. When I open my eyes I see him standing. Leaning against door post. His arms folded.

I want to tell him to go away, but I don't. I just stare back.

Slowly he takes a view steps into the bathroom. He slides open the glass doors. I press myself against the tiles. It doesn't seem to bother him at all that he is getting wet. He doesn't even seem to notice. His intense stare paralyzes me. I glance at his mouth while I bite my lip. He leans in without touching me, locks his lips over my lower lip, softly sucks on it. Inviting me to kiss him back.

I kiss him back.

An almost inaudible moan escapes him when I put my arms around his neck and tenderly tug some strands of his hair.

His hands roam all over my back, pulling me against him, groping my small ass.

He lifts one of my legs, moves it high up his hips. The fabric of his shorts and the bulge underneath makes me groan his name.

I hit my head a bit against the tiles because my foot slips away while I make the sudden move to release him of his clothes. The need of feeling him inside of me is growing so strong and I embarrass myself by trying to get my hand in his briefs but getting stuck in his fly.

Eddie giggles, but he wants me just as bad as I do him and he almost rips open his shorts and pulls down his boxer briefs. There he stands, his pants on his ankles, his tee clinging on his body like a second skin.

While he holds his dick in his one hand he reaches for me and gently strokes between my legs. Gasps when he feels how ready I am for him. Suddenly he grabs my ass with both hands and while lifting me he pushes me up against the wall. His hard cock slowly slides into me, but his moves are forceful, almost uncontrolled.
"Jesus, Lotte..."

I cling onto him, my arms around his neck, my legs around his hips, he screws me against the cold tiles. Thrusts in and out of me, his breathing loud and soaring.

I feel I am contracting around him and am about to fall apart when he suddenly pulls back.

"Fuck!" He cries out. No longer able to stand on his legs he sinks to the floor, taking me with him. He shudders.

"...fuck..." he gasps again. A combination of a curse and a sob.

He takes my face in his two hands, the palms softly on my cheeks and then he covers my mouth in a long and deep kiss.

We sit like this for a while. Kissing. Drinking each other. The water flowing on our heads, on our bodies.