4. Paradiso

Had not seen him for a while. Had been a year since Pinkpop and our glorious fuck in the back of my purple minivan. Life went on and I was making a career for myself and his life was even more tumultuous. To say the least.

Some person called me to let me know the band was coming to Amsterdam. My home town. And if I would like to I was welcome to the gig. Small gig. In my favorite club. Paradiso.

Had nothing to do that night. And these days they lingered on. The days without the elf.

So I went.

Parked my bike across the street. Walked to the entrance of the former church now a pop palace. Big bouncer asked for my ticket, but I said I was a guest and told him my name. The big bold guy stepped aside and spoke to someone through a plug in his pocket. As I went through the door another big bold guy with earplugs escorted me to some steps, a corridor and then shoved me inside a room with people, sofas, a lot of bottles and...well, and him.

He was sitting on a couch next to a dark haired girl, drinking a beer, cloaked in some blanket it seemed. He looked different. Not as lean as before. Tired. Bit puffed up. Don't know. Just different. But beautiful. Yes.

When he saw me coming he jumped up. Big frown, then a smile, then that frown again.

He strode towards me. Arms stretched, embraced me in a warm hug. Whispered in my ear. Warm. "You came."

Then he turned me to the small crowd and said, "guys, listen, here is a very dear friend of mine. But she is press, so behave, be nice." He kissed me on my cheek and then left the room. People were very friendly and the rhythm guitar player gave me a beer and a whiff of his joint. Excused the fallen angel turned front man and we had a very entertaining conversation because, same as me, he had also done art school.

I saw the singer coming back into the room again. Talking to some people. Looking at me from the corners of his eyes. That frown again. Worried look. Then sometimes a warm stare. A slight smile. Even a wink. Or his back turned at me. As if I wasn't there.

When the show started Paradiso was not as full as usual, but the crowd was filled with expectation and energy. And since this was a surprise show the people that were there were real fans. The band came on stage. First the bass player, then the lead guitar and the rhythm guitar player, the drummer and finally the singer. Started Indifference. Oh. That voice.  So pure...so...vibrant...so...oh! A small crack. He was not well! His voice was hurting.

And so. While he really made an effort the show must have been very painful for him. After the 6th song he gave up and left the stage. The dark haired woman leading him away.

But then he came back and tried again. Jeremy. Then Porch. Then: "We won't forget this for a number of raisons." And left.

There was an after party. I didn't feel much like going. But the art school guitarist had specifically asked me to stay. So I did. I liked him and well even being ignored was better than not seeing that gorgeous hot little singer at all.

First I went to the toilet to wash my hands. I looked in the mirror. Big brown eyes, bit stoned, flushed cheeks. "Hello," I said to myself. Then the dark haired girl passed behind me. Slammed the door as she left.

I joint the partying people, talked a while with that nice artsy guitarist and kept on searching the surroundings for the singer. I needed to see him. To feel him also. And smell, snuggle....bang him.

But he wasn't there.

And so after an hour I left. Feeling hollow. Like something was missing inside. Maybe I was just hungry.

When I crossed the street to fetch my bike somebody was standing against a wall. Black leather coat and a hat pulled deep into his eyes. Made me feel uncomfortable. But when he stepped out of the shade I saw it was him.

"Take me away", he said.

It is not easy to cycle with someone heavier than you on the back of your bike, but I managed. His arms around my waist. Coughing sometimes. Not saying anything. Humming a bit. His mouth against my back.

We only fell twice. Laughing. It was a quiet night. And when I locked my bike in front of my house he kissed me. Softly. On my eye lids. My cheek, the corner of my mouth. His tongue traced my lips. Then he took the key from my hands and opened the front door. Up the stairs. Turned. Kissed me again. Pulled me against him. Kneaded my buttocks. Small husky laugh. Then couching.

I grabbed my keys and opened the door of my house. Lured him inside with a suggestive wink.

Then in the reality of my small house, my cat meowing, I could only play the nice host and offered him something to drink. Asked him to sit down. And put on some music. Miles Davis. Kind of Blue. How I felt. Blue.

When I came back in the living room I found him lying on my couch with the cat on his lap. Asleep.

So I took off his shoes. Looked at him a while. And lay myself beside him. Pulled a throw over us and made myself comfortable. Stroked the hair out of his face. He had a fever. His forehead was hot, his lips as red as cherries. Followed the lines of his brow, his nose, his lips with my fingers as if sketching him.

Then nothing. Darkness, sounds, music, lights, laughter, bouncing, spiders, people with knives following me, me flying away a bit. Swimming, drowning, me trying to scream. A soothing voice. Warm wetness on my mouth, lips pressing against mine, arms around me. When I opened my eyes I looked into his. Blue. Ocean. His tongue curving in my mouth, a deep kiss. Sexiness. Hands under my shirt, around my breast, a thumb teasing my nipple. His hard bulge against my thigh. Pushing. Rubbing.

Hasty fumbling, clothes on the ground, his nakedness next to me, on me. Him crouching on the floor. Pulling my legs apart. His mouth, his tongue, nipping and licking my cunt. His hands kneading my stomach, my breasts. Me panting, he moaning. And I came. Jeeeesus, I came. I screamed. He laughed, triumphant. Pushed me back and entered me with his huge, slick penis. "Please be gentle," I pleaded partly in jest. At which he smirked.
Then he moved in me. Slow and tender. He took his time to bring me at the brink again. Moved his cock inside of me, deep, and out almost entirely, in, out. And his breathing the same rhythm. And all the while he held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. When I could no longer contain myself and started gasping and meowing he moved quicker. I crabbed his ass to never let go, he gasped and with one firm thrust he came and pushed me over the edge to the land of plenty. Beautiful. He made me so happy. He held me for a long while. Kissing me. Stroking my face, my hair, caressing me arms. And so we fell asleep.

Hours later we woke. Awkward. A bit embarrassed. Got dressed. He said he had to go. I called him a cap. We hugged. He lifted my chin. Looked into my eyes. Nodded. A soft brushing of the lips. Then walked of the stairs. Turned. Ran back. Pulled me towards him and kissed me again. Hard and long. Looked at me with a promise in his eyes. And left.

I closed the door. Sighed. Stroked my cat. Promise. What promise.


Photo by Lindsay Brice