16. Tell me

Lying on my bed, completely naked, the most gorgeous man ever. His lovely golden brown hair spread out on the pillow. Sexy facial hair made him look like a lion. A lion in rest. His eyes closed. A serene look on his face. His breathing was deep and slow.  His legs apart, one hand on his belly, the other above his head. Spent.

I could not get enough of this man. I might say that I loved him. I did love him. Which was strange, because in the 14 years that I knew him I had only been with him a view times. Even so; he was my life. He filled it like the air in my longs.
But he was not mine.

This was just another of those overwhelming encounters we had once and a while. As always we had to part.

In those early years because he was committed to someone else, later the same, but also to his fans, the world. And I was committed to my family, honour and things I do not care about anymore. And now, now again he is with somebody else. Someone who was there for him in his time of need. When I was not. And always that world, the world that owned him.

He was not for me. But he loved me too. I'm sure he did.

Softly I blew a soft stream of air over his face. His long lashes moved, he opened his eyes. The most beautiful ocean blue. I knew that colour well. So well. I was in doubt whether to tell him or not. My secret. My precious secret.
But it was time.

"Wake, my love." I said. "We need to talk."

He rolled over and took me in his arms. His smile made my heart skip a beat.

"What is it, darling." He traced the line between my brows with his finger. Kissed my brow. "Don't be sad."

"What will happen now? I don't think I could survive losing you again."

He sighed. Held me closer.

"Why would you lose me? There is only now. You are the one that fills my heart, my soul. You are the one that lives in me. You do not live in my world, but you live in me. In me." He touched his heart. Pressed with two hands.

I continued. "What binds us but a great fuck? There is nothing else we share."

"No? Nothing? I wonder." He said, a grave look in his eyes.

"This connection we have; it can't be broken. You are my soul, my other. What we share...I know what we share. I know! I saw! Please tell me. I want to hear it from you. Tell me, what you never told. Please."

I turned on my back. Took a deep breath. Stared at the ceiling.

"You asked if I ever thought of New York. I said that I do so almost all the time."
Again I took another deep breath, taking courage. I shivered.

"I have to tell you something, my love, about New York. The city that never sleeps. In that room, where we had created our dream world. Where we loved each other mentally and physically until I almost couldn't walk."

He chuckled, a low pleasant sound.

I came up and sat on the bed. Stroking his chest, looking him in the eyes.

"We were not careful all the time. How could we? It seemed unreal. It was a dream. But two months after I came home I realised it was real.

My love, in that room, we conceived a child."

He breathed in sharply. Grabbed me and hid his face in my lap.

"Apple?"

"Yes, I named her Apple. My darling girl. I named her after the city she was sired in. New York; the Big Apple."

"Why!" He cried out. "Why did you never let me know! I had a right to know. You should have told me!"

"Listen to me. We were not free! I was not free. You were not free. You are a star! You are famous! I know nothing of you. For all I know you bang a different woman in every city you go to. A fucking rock star! Would you ever believe me? I might be one of those girls! One of those girls you hide from. Those goddamn stalking women that threaten you. Your privacy. Screaming they love you, claiming they've had your baby....

Would you've believed me?"

Silence.

He stood up. Took his clothes and left the room.