Nanny in Vancouver, chapter 16

I push through the crowd. From the corner of my eye I see Chad gesturing at me, but I only want one thing; to get outside. Away from that mixture of feeling. Attraction, repulsion, lust, anger, love.  Yes, even love.

I move, almost swim through a mass of sweaty bodies until finally I feel the cool breeze of the outdoors. I see a door, open it and I am outside.

It is some concrete courtyard with bins and carton and plastic waste, empty crates. The back of the venue.

I can still hear the muted sounds of the band playing. Bass, drums, the high tones all but gone. And my ears still ringing, my heart beating. I feel sick and want to throw up.

I walk to a secluded area to put a finger in my throat. But when I find a corner there is a young person sitting there. It is a boy. Maybe sixteen years old. Not much younger than I am actually. It is a beautiful boy. Fair hair, hanging in his baby blue eyes framed by tick black lashes. He looks at me but says nothing. Like a wild animal in silent acquiescence.

He has a spoon in his hands and heats the substance in it with his lighter until it bubbles.

With a syringe he sucks up the fluid then binds a rubber string around his upper arm. With the cord in his mouth, pulling tight, he puts the needle under his skin and slowly extracts the heroin into his vessels. He looks at me when he releases the cord around his arm. On his face, pure bliss. He rolls away his eyes so only the whites show.

Then he breathes out and he closes his eyes and seems to slumber into dreamland.

I stare at this beautiful, fragile human.

He is all alone.

And I have no idea why he does that thing he does. The horrible thing.

I take a step closer and kneel beside him.

He is like a child of the wind. So vulnerable.

I sit beside him and put my arms around him. Protective. He moans.

Softly I stroke away the lock of hair hanging over his eyes. He smiles.

I put my head against his and like brother and sister finding comfort with each other we fall asleep.

"Oh my god, Lotte, no." I hear a voice. Then a sob. "No, Lotte, no! Not you too."

I open my eyes and look into Eddie's face, distorted by fear and sadness.

At first I can not remember where I am. But when I lift my head from the shoulder of the sleeping young boy it all comes back to me.

Eddie giving me the finger and then his obscene performance, seemingly just for me.

Gonna make you high

Gonna make you cry

I felt like I was choking and had to find air. Escape Eddie and the feelings he avokes in me.

I look at the young boy, then at Eddie. And I have no idea why he cries.

He cries.

Tears roll over his cheeks while he looks at me.

Looks at me. Looks at the boy. Looks at the spoon and the needle lying beside the boy.

"It's not what you think." I try to say.

But Eddie hushes me. Pulls me towards me.

"Come." He says.

He holds out a jacket for me. And I realize how cold I am. I take it and Eddie wraps me in his arms. Leads me away. I look over my shoulder. The boy gives a faint smile and waves half hearted, his eyes barely open.

Eddie makes a gesture to a man who apparently came with him.  He must be a technician or something. The man gives the young boy a blanket and supports him up.

With a concerned look on his face Eddie takes me back inside the building, through a corridor, opens a door and sits me in a chair in a room that appears to be a dressing room.

He kneels between my legs. His hands on my hips, his head on my lap.

"Lotte, what have I done." He sighs.

"Eddie?"

"Is this the first time?"

"First time...what...No! No, Eddie."

"Lotte, don't do this. Don't destroy yourself. Your beautiful self."

"I...no. Eddie, I didn't do anything."

He grabs my arms. Traces the skin with his fingers. Roughly pulls my head towards him. Looks at my neck. His lips touch me, like butterfly wings. He jerks at my legs, almost beside himself. Looking for signs of my possible habit.

"W...uh...then what did I just see?"

"Nothing. I don't know. Nothing, Eddie."

"Then...who was that?" Relieve seems to overwhelm him and his face changes, opens up. He has a smile on his face and the dimples give him the appearance of an wicked elf, but the tears keep on rolling over his cheeks.

"I don't know who that was. Eddie, why do you act this way?"

"Remember you wanted to talk to me?"

"About your girlfriend." I sit straight in the chair.

"My girlfriend. Her name is Amy."

I nod, bite my lip while I look into his eyes, full of anticipation.

"I met Amy at a beach party in San Diego. She was Marscha's friend. You met Marscha. The Australian girl. Marscha and Matthew, Amy and Eddie. We did everything together. Surfing, partying, we were in a band together, experimenting. Uh. At first she didn't want to. But I laughed at her. We only smoked it. But then. Uh. I never really knew she liked it that much. We fought most of the time. She went with other guys." He sighs. "And I lost her. One day she just left. Up north, Seattle."

"You went after her?"

"No."

"Where is she now?"

He raises his shoulders. Looks away.

"I don't know."

I am silent. Put my head in my hands. Then I'm scared suddenly.

"Eddie? Are...are you a junkie?"

Eddie shakes his head. He seems lost. He keeps on moving his head from left to right. Keeps on shaking. Then he gets up. Walk to the wall, kicks a suitcase standing in his way. He roars. Leans with his back against the wall and seems to collapse.

An agonizing wail comes out of him and when I walk to him and put my arms around his waist he sobs:

"I thought I lost you too. First Amy and now you. I am fucking dirt. I'm a bum. I'm a self centered bum. I hate myself. Hate."
At first I whisper soothing words but he keeps on degrading himself.

"Shut up. Shut up!"
"Get the fuck away from me!"
"No, Eddie, stop this shit!"

"Go back to Chad. Go!" He yells.

"I'm here now, right? With you."

"Go. Before you get hurt." He says in a low voice. All calm suddenly.

"No, Eddie, please."

"You want me to fuck you?"

"No!"

"That's it, right? You want me to fuck you again."

I let go of him and take a few steps back.

"You repulse me."

"That's right. I repulse myself too. But you do want me. Admit it."

He gets ups and just leans against the wall.

I suddenly notice that the torn white tank top he is wearing clings to his body with sweat. His black shorts are partly ripped and fixed with tape. His hair is hiding part of his face. He looks tattered, but also extremely beautiful.

I don't say anything. I just stare at this hot creature.